Seven Recovery Essentials: Willingness

While there is no one perfect way to approach recovery from compulsive sexual behavior disorder, there are, I think, some things we all need. My list is not exhaustive, and maybe not even sufficient. But I’ve sorted out seven essentials that I think make a huge difference in recovering our lives from compulsive behavior. 

The first essential is willingness.

Consider these thoughts from Alcoholics Anonymous (italics mine): 

“If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it—then you are ready to take certain steps.” (p 58)

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.” (p 60)

“We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable…. If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.” (p 76)

What do we mean by willingness? 

Willingness allows us to surrender to something other than our will, something that is bigger than us and has the ability to rescue us from our compulsive activities that leave us empty rather than full.

 Willingness is the attitude required for us to do whatever it takes to recover. 

Willingness is the approach that allows us to face our reality. 

Willingness is the state of mind in which we are able to make changes. 

Surrendering, and the willingness that brings it about, is a process, and often an uneven one.

What is it within us that makes willingness so difficult?

Self-will hampers willingness because either by nature or upbringing we stubbornly hold to our understanding of things, in spite of contrary evidence. If we can’t see it, if we can’t figure it out, if we don’t agree, then we think it can’t be right.

Our pride hinders willingness. How we see ourselves, or how we fear others see us, keeps us from admitting failure of any kind. We resist surrender because in our flawed view it makes us less than. In actuality, to admit our flaws and our need of help makes us human, open and heroic.

Hidden brain-prompts (habits) make willingness a difficult posture to maintain. In some ways our brains are lazy things. They love shortcuts. And comfort. And what is known. 

Willingness takes effort. It means openness to new things, learning different paths and letting go of old behaviors that to some degree offered us pleasure or relief. 

Where can we find the motivation for willingness?

Regularly review where we are and what we’re doing. Be honest with ourselves and when we’re not satisfied, avoid shaming ourselves or giving up. Become willing (again) to do whatever we need to do to put our lives back on the road to recovered living.

Acknowledge the pain or discomfort we’re masking. Instead of avoiding our interior restlessness, use it as a motivation to live a more integrated, fulfilling life.

But the greatest motivation, I think, is love. As a Christian, I recognize the call to love God, love ourselves and love others. But we often gloss over that or disregard it entirely. 

In every way possible, compulsive sexual behavior is antithetical to love. 

Maybe you’ve been badly hurt by someone who used expressions of love. I know what that’s like. It’s confusing. It makes us doubt anyone who uses the language of love. We stop trusting others.

But even if they used the language of love, that wasn’t love. It was something else.

Resistance and Allies

The thing about willingness is it almost always is going to meet with resistance of one kind or another. We’re too afraid, ashamed, or lazy. We’ve tried this before and we were hurt or disappointed. 

But willingness always has an ally. All of us have a part in us that loves. It looks for love. It desires to both give and receive love.

Willingness is like yeast or a seed. It is small at first, but just start using it. It will grow. And the result is a life of increasing love, joy and peace. 

When we genuinely and consistently cultivate an attitude of humility, openness and willingness, we are on the path to a life of rich, rewarding love.

And let’s use our faith. We all have a Creator who has loved us into being. And loves us throughout life that never ends.

So ask, and keep asking, “help me see what I need to see; help me do what I need to do.”

What is it you need willingness for in your life right now? What can you do to open your mind and heart? tcr