How Can I be a Christian and a Sex Addict?
For most of my life I’ve been a follower of Jesus, and for many years a pastor. But somewhere along the way, and it was very, very early, I stumbled into using compulsive sexual behavior as a way of coping with my inner world.
I didn’t understand anything about addiction, or trauma or family of origin, or internal family systems or recovery. I just knew what I was sometimes occupied with was so right, so sincere, so spiritual and so rewarding. And at other times what occupied my thinking and my behavior was terribly, terribly wrong.
I felt like a such a hypocrite, guilty and ashamed.
I really believed in Jesus, cared about living a God-honoring life and experienced God’s Spirit filling, guiding and using me, but I still engaged in compulsive sexual behaviors. How could that be? What was wrong with me?
The short answer? Nothing was any more wrong with me than was wrong with every other human being. Oh, my issues had very particular wrinkles. And they weren’t okay.
Please don’t think I’m saying there’s nothing wrong with engaging in self-destructive and other-disrespectful addictive behaviors. Of course there’s something wrong, something that needs addressing.
The Question is Can A Christian also Be a Sex Addict?
Shouldn’t sincere faith keep a person from becoming (or remaining) an addict? This was my question for years:
“Do I not have enough faith?”
“Have I done so much wrong that Jesus is so disappointed with me that there’s no hope for me?”
“Am I deluding myself that I really believe, that I truly belong?”
There a many ways we think of and practice Christian faith. And most of them are wrong. They bear little resemblance to what Jesus taught or how Jesus wants us to live.
Faith—no matter how sincere—doesn’t automatically change our history, habits or brains.
Faith does change our vision, priorities and invites us to a life of growth, insights, experience and change.
Faith and our Failures
My faith has helped me immensely. It’s helped me in my struggle with addiction. But my faith didn’t actually resolve my addiction. Because that’s not actually what faith is meant for, what it does.
Christian Faith is about a primary relationship, not being a certain kind of person.
Christian Faith is about recognizing the ultimate truth that we are not on our own, that we belong to Another. The One who has created and sustains us is a Personal Being, one who is the origin of relationship, who calls us to relationship, who meets us in relationship, who delights in giving and receiving love. We were made for love.
Christian Faith invites us to humility, surrender and trust.
The call of faith is to a life of humbly acknowledging our inadequacies and offenses, surrendering our approaches and expectations and learning to trust that God’s intentions towards us are inexhaustibly good.
Genuine Christian Faith will affect and inform how we approach our compulsive sexual behavior. It makes a difference. But it doesn’t automatically remove it.
Compulsive sexual behavior is a gross misuse of a wonderful, precious gift. Human sexuality is one of the ways in which we can express our God-given drives for intimacy and connection. When we’re selfish and compulsive in our use of sex, genuine faith will always register a sense of dissonance. It’s that voice saying “this isn’t what you were created for.”
Genuine Christian Faith gives us clarity about our identity and an invitation to grow into that identity.
The Gospel of Jesus declares that every one of us belongs, that God sees us all, cares for us emphatically and desires that we experience joyous intimacy with our Divine Creator. We are all children of God. And we are all invited to grow into a deepening awareness of the preciousness of our belonging.
Genuine Christian Faith never elevates sexual struggles over all other behavioral and moral struggles.
In many Christian communities sex is made a much bigger deal than any other area of morality. That’s not true in the teaching of Jesus and the rest of the New Testament.
Does faith say the way we use our sexuality is important? Yes, but it’s not more important than anything else. We over-focus on sex (especially the sexual behavior of others) and skip pretty lightly over most of the areas of genuine Christ-like moral living (think gossip, slander, judging others for a few examples).
I think the above thoughts about genuine faith are important to think about, wrestle with and be guided by. They help us gain a better perspective, put us on a more realistic and rewarding path.
Still, I understand if you’re a person with addiction, or live with one, you’ll come back again, and again to the question: how is it possible to be a sincere Christian and still struggle with compulsive sex?
None of Us are Whole
In a simple word: none of us is a complete, wholly integrated person. We have wrinkles within our souls. We have parts of us, and sometimes it feels like they are at war.
Paul to the Romans, “So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.” (7:21-23
Therefore, some of us who genuinely follow Christ can still have parts of our souls which are using unhealthy strategies to attempt to cover our wounds, hide our deficits and block our pain.
That’s how someone can be a genuine Christ-follower and a functioning addict at the same time.
The Gospel in a Nutshell
It’s called “Good news” not because only a few of us will qualify, or we have to earn it, or we have to prove how good we are.
We’re declared loved. And we’re declared worthy of more than we’ve been settling for.
Jesus loves us just as we are, and at the same time has no intention of leaving us where we are.
If you or someone you know is struggling with compulsive sexual behavior, you’re not meant to stay there. There’s a way forward. Try our two resource packages, “Four Tasks” and “Fifteen Practices”.
If this site and our resources are helpful, please tell others. And consider supporting our work.
And always, always, always, remember: Jesus loves you just as you are, and has no intention of leaving you where you are. tcr